Saturday, April 2, 2011

When I close my eyes

I re-play everything.  I think about Peggy.  It goes around and around, what happened today, yesterday, last week, last year...  I'm okay, really I'm okay.  I'm better this week anyway, I've let some of the pressure off of me.  Talking, being here on this blog, with friends, my family, my new caregivers, old caregivers, the Doctors, and holding her hand.  I'm able to reach out when I need support.  It's just when I close my eyes at night I can't get away from it.

This week was really about me being patient.  Changes are really hard for Alzheimer's patients and their families.   A lot of trust must go into care giving.

This is Linda's theory.  Peggy has come out of her psychotic state, and is now very depressed.  Because  she is now more aware of herself.  Her age, her disease and where she is.   I know she is depressed.  She has been diagnosed with depression for many years.  More than 12, and that's 12 years of PAXIL, which apparently stops working after 4 or 5.  Why is she still on it?  I don't know.  Honestly, I don't.  I've questioned it to all her doctors every time, and it has never changed.  (Another middle of the night swirl in my head)  So, after the risperdal and depakote adjustments get tweaked to hopefully the best levels for her, we are going to change paxil for another anti-depressant.  Why? Honestly...I said to Linda,  "What's wrong with delusional?"  At least she's happy when she's 16 and talking crazy to herself.
"Because she's violent." Linda says.

Sunny said she was embarrassed by Nana, she didn't want her to be the mean one.  Her outbursts are embarrassing and difficult and you really see the pain and fear Peggy has inside.  So, I continue to do what I think is best for Peggy, and my family.  I listen to all the opinions.  I ask questions.  I am patient.  I wait to see, how the meds responds and how she responds.  I watch her, I watch how the care givers are with her.

I stop by often.  She's pretty out of it still.  She's wakes up when I'm there.  When I'm there she responds.   She smiles, she'll eat a little something.. when I'm there, when I'm there, I can't always be there.
Gidget and I bring her daffodils, no response. Gidgey hangs on her and says "wakey wakey, sugar bakey"  Nothing!  That's hard core.

The daffodils fade, I bring tulips.

I take her outside for a walk.  She mumbles to me, she looks me in the face, like she wants to say something.  It's like someones last words, or a long held secret....or a...nothing.

Thursday, I meet with the Psychiatrist.  I am relieved to see that he thinks she is too lethargic, and changes her dose of risperdal right away.  I'm really happy he takes the time to explain to me why we switched from seroquil anyway.  (because of her behavior, she needed more of an anti-psychotic, he would of had to prescribe more seroquel, which means more side effects.)  I'm surprised, it's not the depakote.  He's coming back next Thursday, I do feel that everyone is on the case.  I hang out, I go get us green tea frappacinno drinks.  Hers with whip cream.

You know what works the best, to relieve my anxiety about Peggy.  Just being with her.  I know that sounds weird, and contradictory.  But honestly, it's easier just being with her, holding her hand.  That way I  know where she is, even with my eyes closed.