I re-play everything. I think about Peggy. It goes around and around, what happened today, yesterday, last week, last year... I'm okay, really I'm okay. I'm better this week anyway, I've let some of the pressure off of me. Talking, being here on this blog, with friends, my family, my new caregivers, old caregivers, the Doctors, and holding her hand. I'm able to reach out when I need support. It's just when I close my eyes at night I can't get away from it.
This week was really about me being patient. Changes are really hard for Alzheimer's patients and their families. A lot of trust must go into care giving.
This is Linda's theory. Peggy has come out of her psychotic state, and is now very depressed. Because she is now more aware of herself. Her age, her disease and where she is. I know she is depressed. She has been diagnosed with depression for many years. More than 12, and that's 12 years of PAXIL, which apparently stops working after 4 or 5. Why is she still on it? I don't know. Honestly, I don't. I've questioned it to all her doctors every time, and it has never changed. (Another middle of the night swirl in my head) So, after the risperdal and depakote adjustments get tweaked to hopefully the best levels for her, we are going to change paxil for another anti-depressant. Why? Honestly...I said to Linda, "What's wrong with delusional?" At least she's happy when she's 16 and talking crazy to herself.
"Because she's violent." Linda says.
Sunny said she was embarrassed by Nana, she didn't want her to be the mean one. Her outbursts are embarrassing and difficult and you really see the pain and fear Peggy has inside. So, I continue to do what I think is best for Peggy, and my family. I listen to all the opinions. I ask questions. I am patient. I wait to see, how the meds responds and how she responds. I watch her, I watch how the care givers are with her.
I stop by often. She's pretty out of it still. She's wakes up when I'm there. When I'm there she responds. She smiles, she'll eat a little something.. when I'm there, when I'm there, I can't always be there.
Gidget and I bring her daffodils, no response. Gidgey hangs on her and says "wakey wakey, sugar bakey" Nothing! That's hard core.
The daffodils fade, I bring tulips.
I take her outside for a walk. She mumbles to me, she looks me in the face, like she wants to say something. It's like someones last words, or a long held secret....or a...nothing.
Thursday, I meet with the Psychiatrist. I am relieved to see that he thinks she is too lethargic, and changes her dose of risperdal right away. I'm really happy he takes the time to explain to me why we switched from seroquil anyway. (because of her behavior, she needed more of an anti-psychotic, he would of had to prescribe more seroquel, which means more side effects.) I'm surprised, it's not the depakote. He's coming back next Thursday, I do feel that everyone is on the case. I hang out, I go get us green tea frappacinno drinks. Hers with whip cream.
You know what works the best, to relieve my anxiety about Peggy. Just being with her. I know that sounds weird, and contradictory. But honestly, it's easier just being with her, holding her hand. That way I know where she is, even with my eyes closed.
This week was really about me being patient. Changes are really hard for Alzheimer's patients and their families. A lot of trust must go into care giving.
This is Linda's theory. Peggy has come out of her psychotic state, and is now very depressed. Because she is now more aware of herself. Her age, her disease and where she is. I know she is depressed. She has been diagnosed with depression for many years. More than 12, and that's 12 years of PAXIL, which apparently stops working after 4 or 5. Why is she still on it? I don't know. Honestly, I don't. I've questioned it to all her doctors every time, and it has never changed. (Another middle of the night swirl in my head) So, after the risperdal and depakote adjustments get tweaked to hopefully the best levels for her, we are going to change paxil for another anti-depressant. Why? Honestly...I said to Linda, "What's wrong with delusional?" At least she's happy when she's 16 and talking crazy to herself.
"Because she's violent." Linda says.
Sunny said she was embarrassed by Nana, she didn't want her to be the mean one. Her outbursts are embarrassing and difficult and you really see the pain and fear Peggy has inside. So, I continue to do what I think is best for Peggy, and my family. I listen to all the opinions. I ask questions. I am patient. I wait to see, how the meds responds and how she responds. I watch her, I watch how the care givers are with her.
I stop by often. She's pretty out of it still. She's wakes up when I'm there. When I'm there she responds. She smiles, she'll eat a little something.. when I'm there, when I'm there, I can't always be there.
Gidget and I bring her daffodils, no response. Gidgey hangs on her and says "wakey wakey, sugar bakey" Nothing! That's hard core.
The daffodils fade, I bring tulips.
I take her outside for a walk. She mumbles to me, she looks me in the face, like she wants to say something. It's like someones last words, or a long held secret....or a...nothing.
Thursday, I meet with the Psychiatrist. I am relieved to see that he thinks she is too lethargic, and changes her dose of risperdal right away. I'm really happy he takes the time to explain to me why we switched from seroquil anyway. (because of her behavior, she needed more of an anti-psychotic, he would of had to prescribe more seroquel, which means more side effects.) I'm surprised, it's not the depakote. He's coming back next Thursday, I do feel that everyone is on the case. I hang out, I go get us green tea frappacinno drinks. Hers with whip cream.
If you click on the drug links, the first thing you will see are the warnings about giving anti-psychotic drugs to older patients with Alzhimer's or Dementia. I have researched this...these are the drugs that are used. There are no drugs for alzheimer's.
ReplyDeleteI will no way pretend I know what is going on with Peggy medically. But sometimes depression can be brought on by not having estrogen, progesterone and testosterone in balance. Out of whack hormones can really cause depression!!!
ReplyDeleteSending love and prayer's your way Lois!
Keeping you, Peggy, and our family in my prayers! I know how sad,difficult, and exhausting it is to watch our loved ones slip away from us! My mom was also depressed for so long, as was Aunt Lillian and Grandma. How can they not be when they're too ill to enjoy life? Bless you, Lois, for taking such good care of Peggy for us! We love you!
ReplyDeleteLois, I'm in tears - for you, for Peggy and for all the care givers out there. I was the care giver when my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer. Reading your post brings it all back all too vividly. Peggy is so, so blessed to have you.
ReplyDeleteLois. It is so interesting to see all the switching of meds and the history of depression. It was exactly the same with my Mom. She was depressed, then they gave her meds for that, along with the alzheimers meds...I wonder what the link is...also I
ReplyDeleteagree with Lauri. My mom had also had a full hysterectomy when she was young (hence the fact I am adopted) and I don't think they ever gave her hormones. You are right that being there helps- you are doing all the right and good things Lois...know that you will be okay too :) hugs to you sweet Lois.