Sunday, July 19, 2015

Our final journey

Lois and Peggy


I actually got very scared the other day, and felt like I couldn't possibly do this anymore.  That Peggy was so close to death, and frightened that I had a bit of a panic attack.  I am used to the way she looks, and breathes with her mouth wide open, and struggles to swallow, the way she shouts out, the crippledness of her body. I am even getting used to how she can't see anymore, her beautiful blue eyes wandering around in darkness, like her mind.  I panicked because I didn't want this to be normal anymore because I am also used to hugging her, caring for her and loving her.  If Peggy was my beloved pet, as she is my beloved Mom I would take her to the vet immediately and gracefully help her go.  I would hold her hand, kiss her, make sure she knew she was loved.  But, instead I have to leave the room, leave her, and say goodbye, only to come back another day and wish the same damn thing. Why is there no way for me to do that for her?   I've helped her every step of the way, and I want to be with her until the end, for the final stage of this horrible disease, death.

It's hard to do this alone, and I have since gathered my strength by phoning a few friends and letting my guard down.  My very best friend, my husband went with me the next morning with pink roses and held my hand and hers.  Today is a new day, and we will just keep walking and continue our journey until we reach the end, whenever that may be.