Saturday, September 7, 2013

Blow out the candles

I don't say this lightly, or because I'm tired, or don't want to continue to fight this disease.  I say this because I'm worried that she is suffering now.  One of the saving graces about Alzheimer's is that everyone tells you that "they"(the patient) don't know what's going on.  They are not suffering.  Her recent step into yet another end stage makes me feel that this is not the case.  She is now having trouble swallowing, and her brain is not telling her throat what is air and what is food.  So she chokes, a lot.  This makes her upset and red in the face and scared.  Which makes me upset and red in the face and scared.  She has a patch that helps reduce her saliva, yet it had to be reduced to half because it was making her agitated (what doesn't?).  What I'm trying to say, is this is not a peaceful death.  And that's why I wish the candles would quickly blow out in an instant and end another one of these "end stages."