Wednesday, September 25, 2013

A busy life

My life is so busy right now.  We are starting our own business.  Nary Dairy, it's crazy, it's all the time, it's fun, exciting, scary... its consuming.   I fell asleep exhausted, but only for a little while and then I woke up and I realized that I didn't see Peggy today, or yesterday.  In the darkness my memories of her intermix with where she is now, and I keep finding things there that weigh heavy on my heart. What she would of loved, what I missed.  I start to see time backwards.  It was my 15th wedding anniversary yesterday.  A slideshow starts as I go back and remember 15 years ago. There were signs of ALZ then.  But it's now, and she's here, even though it seems as if she's not, she's just a few miles away in a bed.  Everything is happening so fast and so slowly.  I feel badly that I want it to be over, and now I realize that what I really want is not for it to be over, but a DO OVER.  I want this disease to have never happened to us, and what I really want is it not to happen to anybody else. I think about the other people dealing with this in much more difficult situations.  And my mind just continues to roll around in it, back and forth in time and memory.  So much that I have to get up to stop thinking about it.

So, now I will watch Stephen Hawking, or NOVA and fall asleep, listening to something that takes me out of my mind, so I can stop thinking about what happened to hers.