Best Mother's Day Present

We were all around the table last night.  I asked "What do you guys want to do for Mother's Day?"  Sunny says, "First, we should go visit Nana."

My thoughtful, beautiful 9 year old.

Check out the Alzheimer's Association website!

Please sign the petition.

I urge you to join me and visit the Alzheimer's Association today!

If the text above does not appear as a clickable link, you can visit the web address:

http://www.alz.org/petition/overview.asp?WT.mc_id=enews2012_05_09&s_oo=xwEjcMlKsVf7PyAdMNkT1w

If you no longer wish to receive email messages sent from your friends on behalf of this organization, please click here or paste this URL into your browser: http://act.alz.org/site/TellFriendOpt?action=optout&toe=958c09f0f748d4f5d5e9c43fa5bed7d95ea55b7f3559f1ed1ccd4c50a5c00593

It's okay.

Every time I write an emotional post when I stop in to see her I am amazed at how "used" to her I am.  I know it's intense reading these stories, it's intense writing them.  It's a place I can put my emotions and feelings, when I'm not with her.  But, honestly, when I'm with her it's okay.  She was getting her hair done, the fish tank guy was there, lots of hub bub, and I had lunch with everyone.  I fed her a tuna sandwich and I was talking about her in the third person to some of the others.  Then, I'd ask her if she's happy here.  "Oh, yes" she would respond.  I think that is the hardest part.  Not knowing what she knows, does she know I was talking about her?  Anyway, that's not what this post is about.  It's about accepting her and being with her, the way she is, it's okay, it's not great, it's not what I want, but it is okay.

A Beacon in the Trader Joe's Parking Lot

I ran into a son in the Trader Joe's parking lot.  His Mom has Alzhiemer's and was at Sunrise when my Mom was there.  We used to chat a little when we were visiting.  "She's doing pretty good" that's what we said to each other, but we both knew that was a response for other people.  He rolled down his window a little further and then we talked.  We smiled and kinda chuckled about how strong our mother's were, and how they were still kicking.  We talked about how our Mom's were healthy and vibrant and beautiful and lovely and didn't smoke to much or drink to much (for women of their era.) We shook our heads, wondering why them...  I asked him how he is doing. "Okay" he said.  He had a lot of stress a while ago, but he's learned to take better care of himself.  I admitted it was getting harder and harder for me to visit Peggy without getting depressed.  We stood there, in the midst of our errands, the craziness of the Trader Joe's parking lot and smiled at each other. It was really nice to see him.

This is hard to explain, but seeing him gave me the feeling as if I was  in Europe, or Africa traveling for a long time and I just ran into someone from my home town.  Someone with whom I can relate to in this foreign landscape. Someone who speaks the same language, with the same accent, someone who knows why things are different here, and how you can even taste it in the water.  He know's this because he is from the same place I grew up, the place where we had Moms.

The Power of a Library Card

Gidget loves reading, in fact she's actually learning how to read.  I'm not bragging and I know it doesn't really matter when you start to read, as long as you do end up reading.  But, she's my daughter, and Peggy is her Nana and besides,  it's our blog, the perfect place for bragging, because she's not yet 5.

So our days have been happily filled reading and sounding out words and going to the library.  Today we brought her library books over to Peggy's.  We sat in the big couch and she listened to us read.  The sound of our voices made her happy.  The simple act of holding a child and a book and reading out loud is a memory and a bond all of us share.  I was happy that we shared it with her today.  After all, she's the one that helped me get my very first library card too. 

Good News or Bad News?

I need to catch up on this month, filled with good news and bad news.  It's hard to distinguish the two.  Honestly.  I saw her one day, and thought the worst.  I called my brothers, I thought this was near the end.   Was this bad news or good news?

Then I'd see her the next day, up and chewing her meat, smiling, like everything was totally normal.  Good news or bad news?

But, every time I walk in the door.  "Hi Mom" I shout out and she says "Oh, hi Lois"(funny meeting you here) or "Hi Lois" (I'm just having this stranger spoon feed me my dinner, I'll be right with you.)  I can't believe it.  How does she recognize me?  She seems to have no idea what is going on, where she is, that she is even in a wheel chair.  How does she know it's me?  To talk to her, you have to stand right in front of her, prop her up because she's stiff as a crooked board then try and make eye contact, and then it is still not very clear if she is even looking at you.  But she seems to knows it's me. Then I think, if she does know it's me, how much does she know or understand or FEEL.  This seems like very bad news.

But how does she know it's me?  How does she recognize me, when she can't seem to see 12 inches in front of her face?  I finally figured it out.  It's my voice.  When I shout out "Hi Mom" she recognizes my voice, and goes to that place, that comfortable place where I exist.  I don't know where, but somewhere in there.  I exist.   This is good news, I think.

Just a minute...

I don't mean "just a minute", or "I'll be there in a minute," which we know is longer than 60 seconds and usually means, "I don't really feel like doing that right now."  

What I mean is that even a minute of my time can be enough.  I'm loving Peggy again with a full heart.  I've been stopping by more frequently, for less amount of time.  The last three times have been good.  I like to hug her, let her know I'm there.  She lights up.  A minute to her could mean an eternity, a day, a month, maybe a second, who knows?  It's just that I happen to be living in real time, filled with children, friends, work, chores and there never seems to be enough hours in the day, let alone minutes.  But, when I stop by on my way from this or that to see how she is, I find the real value of a mere minute,  by her smile.

She's still my Mom, and seems as though I'm still learning about life from her.

I'm busy, but she's not.

I am so busy these days, I just realized it's been a week since I visited Peggy.  Then I realized how much has happened over the past month or two.  For starters, it's now 2012.  It was Sunny's birthday, and Valentine's Day, and I started teaching pre-school art, and we got a homemake over for a reality tv show!  Soon it will be St. Patrick's Day, and Peggy's irish eyes will be in the same place.  In her room, waiting, and dreaming and sleeping and being bathed by someone else.  I can't think about it too much.  I cried the time before last when I visited.  She loves the Beatles. Allen made her a special soundtrack, and when I go over there, the music keeps me company and she seems to like it.  She's in between my life, and I love her the same, but now instead of always trying to include her in everything, she feels like a separate entity.  Again it's a new normal, and I'm adjusting.  I just can't look forward or back, so when I visit the music fills the space and when she gets a sad face when I leave, I have to look away, and just turn up the music a little so it can be there, when I'm not. 

Huh?

New Criteria Could Change Who is Diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease

Articles like this, make this world of dementia uninhabitable.

StoryCorps

StoryCorps is a really cool organization that is preserving oral history.  I took my Mom to the mobile StoryCorps booth over the Thanksgiving holiday when David was here.  It was pretty difficult getting her there, and I thought to myself "why am I doing this" as I struggled to get her in and out of the car, eliciting a stranger who had no idea what they got themselves into.  Anyway, "Why was I doing this?" as I was sweating pushing her up the makeshift ramp, and as we start the microphone and she doesn't talk.  Why?
Because there is so much to learn from the silence in this recording, in the stuttering, in my voice, and in Sunny's.  Our story is not compelling to listen to, yet if you do you'll find the story in the silence and unanswered questions. And then there is Sunny's voice, a sweet 8 year old, and how she communicates and expresses her feelings about what it's like to have a "Nana" with Alzheimer's Disease. This is why I came to StoryCorp.   I didn't do this to record a memory like so many people who come to record friends and family at StoryCorps.  This is the coolest reason to come to StoryCorps,  and I urge you to sign up if you can.   This is not something I need to, or care to remember.  I wanted our story to be shared with others. I did this to express the need for a cure. I want the world to hear what it's really like at the end stages of Alzheimer's Disease.When you can't communicate with your mother except in fragments, pieces and lost details. What it's like to have lost someone dear, when they are sitting right there in front of you.


Here is the recording....StoryCorp podcast
    At the end of the recording if you can bear listening long enough you will hear Peggy say
 "I love you, too."

Lauren and Seth Rogen's Hilarity for Charity

Wow, that was fun!  When do I ever start out a post like that on this blog.  They didn't mention the sorrow, or anything about Alzhiemer's.  In the program they told us why, mentioned some stories, but mainly raised money, awareness and had a great time.  We got to see Tenacious D live!  Lots of great comics, delicious food, a real date with my husband.  I don't know, it was pretty cool to be a part of it.  Something so close to my heart, and my heartache, to be able to smile was just an awesome idea.

Thank you Seth and Lauren!  Heres a nice link about them and why they are doing this.

"Love Makes a Family" -- Happy Holidays from MoveOn.org

Returning to Infancy

Gidget and I took Peggy for her annual exam at USC research center.  The Doctor comes in and I'm the only one that says hello.  Peggy is in her chair, mouth open, holding on to her blanket.  Gidget is playing games on my android and I have to make her say hello and then start to worry about how her brain is developing with this modern device.
   They said she doesn't need to come back next year, it will be easier to just talk over the phone.  In other words, Peggy can't take any kind of mental test.  Although she did check her vitals and take a look at her reflexes.  It was very interesting and actually quite disturbing because I have known her mind was taking her backwards, but her body now is too.  I watched the Doc touch my Mom's face and Peggy's mouth opened and head turned searching for milk like an infant.  My Mom hold's her hands tightly in a clutch, like a baby does.  I remember trying to smooth out my own children's precious little hands, and watch Allen's huge smile when he thought the baby was grabbing his finger.

Now, it's an old ladies hand, that clutches and searches and it's not precious.  Peggy responds to sounds, to cooing, and singing, you have to be right in front of her to catch her attention.  Just like the strange little creatures we all bring home from the hospital to our homes.  And so this journey continues, backwards.  But today gave me a little more understanding, to see that all she really just needs is shelter, food and love, just like an infant.
Oh, and some anti-psychotic drugs so she won't hurt people.

Smells like home.

I hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving.  We did.  My brother David came out with is kids and we've been goofing around all weekend.  Peggy's place had a nice Thanksgiving with lots of people and cooking.  It smelled like home.  All the residents responded with smiles and good moods.  Even if they weren't totally aware what was going on, they knew something comforting was.

Later after they helped us get Peggy in the car, David and I wrangled her out of it.  Let's just say it was not elegant.  Getting her back in the car was worse.  You see, Peggy hates being moved or touched and trying to get her from the wheel chair to the car is scary for her.  What she doesn't know is that it is scarier for us.  As she screams and hollers and resists we have to believe that we are not actually hurting her and continue with the back breaking twists, turns and lifts to squeeze her into the rented sedan.  Then she's in, we click her seatbelt and everything is okay again.  Whew!

But, as you can see.  It was worth it, here she is at my house at our table with everyone at Thanksgiving.   

Proud Mom

We decided to take Peggy for a walk.  I had forgotten something and was running behind to catch up.   This is what I saw.  Peggy Lu taking time off from her busy life to visit, Gidget being stubborn and insisting on pushing the wheelchair and Sunny growing up by her Nana's side. My lovely little family helping my lovely Mom.  Makes me proud.

A Wonderful Life

We all met at Nat's Early Bite for breakfast.  Then over to Peggy' home.  The girls ran in, knowing the routine.  I was hesitant.  Th guys politely stepped in.  We open the door and the bell goes off, the dogs bark and my mom is there in a chair.  I go up to her and hug her, she responds.  Everyone says "hello".  We move into her room so I can show them some pictures of me and my family.  I look at one and say "she was so pretty"  Danny says "she still is."  I'm looking through the box of photos, I hear Danny whisper to my Mom.  "Thank you for taking good care of Lois" 

  

Wow!  I take these pictures, am overwhelmed with emotion, the girls bound in and we are all laughing again.  It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.  Other than my kids being born.  That we all had that small opportunity to appreciate life and love and show gratitude, is what being alive is.

Thank you everyone for letting me share this story with you.  I know you all have your own stories, and appreciate you listening to mine.

The visit

The Fountain Family siblings

Me and my brothers

So, I hung up the phone.  Smiled for a week.  Liam came over to visit that Saturday and Danny and his best buddy were to arrive at the beginning of November.  The family shot over a few e-mails, I responded, we sent pictures of our families.   I saw pictures of them as little kids, and then as adults. We all friended on facebook.  I called my Dad, my brothers, my friends, my cousins.  It was exciting and weird.  I saw a picture of Patty, my birth mother.  They all see a resemblance but I don't.  I'm not sure.  I see a girl that I wish didn't have to go away to Green Bay to give up a baby.  I also see a girl that had a family that loved her.  Honestly I didn't feel any more or less connected to her after seeing the photos.  I'll tell you why, because she has a very special place in my heart, it's a feeling, not an image or a memory.  I always wanted to let her know that I was okay.  That I wasn't a secret or something to be ashamed of.  That I love her.

Liam and I called back and forth, he's the only creative one in his family too.  We seemed to hit it off really well and so easily.  We messaged back and forth, where should we take these Chicago guys in LA?  Definitely not Italian food, Jimmy's Italian (Danny's life long friend) and he definitely will hate the italian food here, as we do.  I know they are probably not picky, but we didn't think sushi would be quite right either.  So we settled on The Great Greek!  They even get the Pita bread delivered from Chicago.  So, after work I showered and my cousin Eric and mother' in law Beverly took care of the kids and Allen and I drove up Ventura Boulevard to the restaurant.  There at the table was Danny, Jimmy and Liam waiting for me.  We hugged, smiled and he gave me roses.  Lots of roses!  He was so nervous and grateful and happy.  I was nervous, happy and curious.  I asked if I looked like her, he said yes, but she was smaller!  I'm what most people would call "petite" so that was pretty funny.  We sat down, Allen and I held hands.  He told them that they didn't just find anybody, that I was special.  We've been married 13 years, together 18...we don't really say stuff like that anymore.  I smiled some more.  I kept looking at my roses.  We talked, and ate.  They have live music at the Great Greek and dancing.  Liam and I danced.  Patty used to like to dance.  It was really wonderful.  After dinner, I said "this must be really weird for you", Danny said "yes"  I said, "do you feel like your looking at a  ghost?"  He said yes.  We paused.  He loved his sister, and here I was, he wanted me to know that.  He also didn't want to say the wrong thing.  He wanted to hear about my family and tell me how grateful he was to them.  We said goodbye, they will come to the house  on Saturday and meet and hang out with the kids.   I have life drawing on Friday's, so I was busy.  Then I cancelled life drawing and they came over on Friday.  What the hell would I be doing at a studio drawing from life, when life was right in front of me in my own home.  

Me and Danny Fountain

Jimmy, Liam and Danny

So they came over on Friday and we hung out all day, they brought the kids a Wii game and we all played bowling, and got to know each other a little more each visit, each day.  People came over to say hello.  Beverly was there and Eric.  Saturday Allen made tons of food and I bought coke's for them, Barbie and Ray stopped by, and Danny made sure to thank her for helping me make the call. 

Then it was Sunday....Danny said he would like to go visit my mom Peggy with me, if that's alright.  

Next post, visiting my mom.

How I made the call.

Wow, so life is beautiful.  What else can I say. I know it is not always that way and sometimes a lot of sorrow leads up to these beautiful moments. I'm working now, and only have a little time for everything, so it's going to be told in parts.  But hang on it's a good story....

I had been searching for my birth mother for 25 years, not actively that whole time but, every now and again the urge to know what happened, what my story was, would surge and I would search the internet, draw a picture, go through my old manilla folder of paperwork that I have been carrying around with me my whole life and update my information.  I'm turning 43 this year and  I began to feel more and more that I was going to have less and less of a chance to meet my birth family.  I thought, I have ONE life, that's it, and decided to implore my girlfriend Barbie's help.  She's a producer, one of my oldest friends, and well let's just say she know how to get things done.  I called Catholic Charities to get things started.  No one apparently has opened the file since 1968.  Darn, so they aren't looking for me...this is what I had feared.  Do I want to continue...yes, I do.  It's up to me to take the first step.  So, I filled out some paper work, donated some $ to the Catholic Church....asked myself the question, how will I feel if they don't want to hear from me.  Honestly, will that be worth it?  I'm very happy with my life, I love my family and we all get along, I dont' have emotional problems and besides the regular tulmoutuous life of trying to make a living through creative pursuits, I am a generally happy person.  Why screw it up?

The nun loses the paperwork, she doesn't call me back, so I have to constantly get up my nerve to pursue this and make more than one phone call. Finally after one more call back, she phones.  "I believe your birth mother died" she says.  "Oh"  I said.  That's it.  Not much more, she can't tell me much because of the closed records.  I only had her name. She asked me if I wanted to pursue her family.  Yes, I did.   She had 4 sisters and a twin brother, yes, yes I did want them to know that I am interested in contact with them.   I contacted the ALMA society, who help with adoption searches, let them know the info I found from Catholic Charities and they were on the case! And that's where it sat for a long time...

"She's Buried in My Garden"

They found Danny Fountain. Patty's twin.  They forwarded me the number.  Now here is something that   was very difficult for me. In my "non-identifying" paperwork, it stated that everyone knew about the pregnancy except for Danny, he was away serving in Vietnam at the time and they didn't want him to know.  I kept reading this...why did I have to be the one to tell him.  I didn't call.

Barbie and I went to lunch.  She dropped me off and I said, "oh yeah, Catholic Charities called again, now they are not sure if my birth mother is really dead."  She looks at me and says "Just call the brother!"
She was right, I should just call the brother.  So we parked, went into the house and I found the number.  I knew exactly where it was, underneath this entire pile of disorganized projects that if you asked me to find something else we would of been there all day.  We went into the bedroom and I dialed....the previous post tells the rest of this story.

The next will tell about Danny coming to visit me.

There is no nature vs. nurture, just love.

Mother's Love

Sunny, Lois, Gidget, Liam and Allen

  If you have been reading this blog for a while you may remember my post about being adopted and my search for my birth family....well that day came last week.  It's been pretty strange, amazing, exciting, weird, and sad.  My birth mother died at a young age, 37 from an aneurism, not but ten miles from where I live now.  She came from a big Irish family just outside Chicago.  They have all been calling me and I can tell they really loved her and are so excited to meet me.  It's almost like I am picking up where she left off, age wise.  My first connection was with her twin brother Dan.  Peggy had a twin sister that died in her 30's as well.  Dan has a son, who came over to our house last week!  His name is Liam and he is so cool and sweet and fun and well, kinda looks like me!  Okay, so how do I make this post short.  Well I guess it took 24 years to find them, it might take a few words to tell the story.  My mom helped me fill out some paperwork when I turned 18 that would put my name on a list, and if the birth family was on the list too...you've got a match!  There never was a match, and I continued to look, sort of, throughout my young adult life.  I was curious.  I also wanted to let my birth mother know that everything had turned out alright.  That I was happy, I had a neat family that loved me, and well that I wasn't "an accident".  Long story short.  That same society ALMA and Catholic Charities gave me the clues I finally needed to make the call to Dan.  I asked if he was Dan Fountain, and if he had a twin sister named Patricia Fountain, and that I believed she was my birth mother.  He said, "your the baby" and proceeded to tell me the rest of the story....

Me talking to Dan for the very first time.

The first person I wanted to tell was my Mom, Peggy.  So I took her for a drive and I did.  And she smiled and listened and I talked.  My Mom has always been there for me, and she still is.  I love my family so much for giving me love and freedom and making me feel special because I was adopted.

WOW!

We raised $4950 for the Walk to End  Alzheimer's!!!!Here are some great photos from the day. I want to really thank everyone for donating.  There were so many people at the walk with so many stories and your donations helped every single one of those people and their families.  

Ukelele Visit

Sunny just started playing the ukelele, she carries it around with her wherever she goes.  So far this is the only song she knows...and they love it, everytime.

Purple

          

The new color of this blog is purple.  That is the Alzheimer's color, and today is World Alzhiemer's Awareness Day.  I know it seems like every day is filled with articles, news, voices, information, donation requests, but until this is on the world radar the way AIDS and cancer fighting is, we have to shout it out.

A friend of mine's mother was just diagnosed yesterday, many more will be today.  We can find a cure before they get to the end stages.  I really believe so.  If you have been touched by Alzheimer's and aren't afraid to look into the future, you can help us now.  Please click on my personal donation page and offer your support.  Any amount is welcome and I will walk with pride and encouragement and hope for every family that needs it.                          

Click here to donate.  Thank you.

Sincere Sentiment

I received this card in the mail, an old-fashioned card, with a note...sending me well wishes and love about me and my Mom.   It made me cry, the kindness of it....Sunny my 8year old, came over to me, smiled and gave me a hug.  I felt her strength, her kindness, her understanding and her beauty.  I guess that's just what daughters do.

I'm grateful that I have spoken out and told our story, and hope I can be there for those that need company too. Caring for or about someone with Alzhiemer's is not something you can do alone.

Glen Campbell: Forget Me Not

Glen Campbell: Forget Me Not
Listen and read about Glen Campbell's Alzheimer's diagnosis.

Bye, Mom....

Now when Peggy has appointments, I meet her there.  The guys do a great job of getting her in and out of the car.  She hates change, especially changing her position.  She really gets freaked out.  I got there and saw her in the waiting room.  She was, obsessive talking and I showed her a sports magazine with lots of golf and tennis, she tried to talk back, but it got kinda embarrassing because she could't find her words and was kinda loud.  So I just sat with her.  We went in, and the guys got her in the chair, and once she settled she did pretty good.  Remember...she's a biter.  Adrienne is the best!  I totally recommend her, just click on her name if you have someone in your life with special needs that needs a cleaning.  So, then it was over and we had to move her again, just when she was getting comfortable.  Then she got her little toothbrush and off she went and I said goodbye and the guys rolled her away.  I paid the bill, went downstairs to my car, and I saw her in the van and felt sad.  She should be with me in this car.  This is HER car, I inherited it after she could no longer drive.  Seeing her from a distance is uncomfortable, I could see her anxiety through the tinted glass, and then she seemed okay, maybe it was just my anxiety.  I have to convince myself she is in good hands, I could not take care of her myself, (for goodness sakes, it take two grown men to move her from one chair to another), I have a family of my own to take care of,  she is, she should be with me.....in her car.