Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Good News or Bad News?

I need to catch up on this month, filled with good news and bad news.  It's hard to distinguish the two.  Honestly.  I saw her one day, and thought the worst.  I called my brothers, I thought this was near the end.   Was this bad news or good news?

Then I'd see her the next day, up and chewing her meat, smiling, like everything was totally normal.  Good news or bad news?

But, every time I walk in the door.  "Hi Mom" I shout out and she says "Oh, hi Lois"(funny meeting you here) or "Hi Lois" (I'm just having this stranger spoon feed me my dinner, I'll be right with you.)  I can't believe it.  How does she recognize me?  She seems to have no idea what is going on, where she is, that she is even in a wheel chair.  How does she know it's me?  To talk to her, you have to stand right in front of her, prop her up because she's stiff as a crooked board then try and make eye contact, and then it is still not very clear if she is even looking at you.  But she seems to knows it's me. Then I think, if she does know it's me, how much does she know or understand or FEEL.  This seems like very bad news.

But how does she know it's me?  How does she recognize me, when she can't seem to see 12 inches in front of her face?  I finally figured it out.  It's my voice.  When I shout out "Hi Mom" she recognizes my voice, and goes to that place, that comfortable place where I exist.  I don't know where, but somewhere in there.  I exist.   This is good news, I think.