Happy Moments in Time

Gidgey lost her front tooth!  She looks so different and cute.  It's a big milestone in her life.  She's 7 and she never will be again.  We love her so much.  She is so goofy and jumpy and darling and smart. We took pictures and laughed.  She made a note to the tooth fairy and brushed her teeth, and now she can't pronounced f's or th's.  Looking at her makes me smile.  I wish my Mom was here.  I wish we could call her like we did her other grandparents.  I think to myself, "Nana would love this!"  These are her type of moments.

Of course, we can call her. She's here...alive. Yet she's completely unaware of anything new.  Life, for all intents and purposes, has stopped for her. She's missing these special moments that become our most precious memories and help us deal with the passage of time.  Soon a big new tooth will grow in the empty space and Gidget will be 8 years old. Then 9. And 10...

I haven't been able to share anything new with Peggy for years now. Knowing that she can't enjoy these simple things is what made me sad tonight as I gazed into that bright, shining, toothless face.  I can tell her about them and make believe that she somehow understands.  I guess it's just hard wishing someone was here, when they are.

A busy life

My life is so busy right now.  We are starting our own business.  Nary Dairy, it's crazy, it's all the time, it's fun, exciting, scary... its consuming.   I fell asleep exhausted, but only for a little while and then I woke up and I realized that I didn't see Peggy today, or yesterday.  In the darkness my memories of her intermix with where she is now, and I keep finding things there that weigh heavy on my heart. What she would of loved, what I missed.  I start to see time backwards.  It was my 15th wedding anniversary yesterday.  A slideshow starts as I go back and remember 15 years ago. There were signs of ALZ then.  But it's now, and she's here, even though it seems as if she's not, she's just a few miles away in a bed.  Everything is happening so fast and so slowly.  I feel badly that I want it to be over, and now I realize that what I really want is not for it to be over, but a DO OVER.  I want this disease to have never happened to us, and what I really want is it not to happen to anybody else. I think about the other people dealing with this in much more difficult situations.  And my mind just continues to roll around in it, back and forth in time and memory.  So much that I have to get up to stop thinking about it.

So, now I will watch Stephen Hawking, or NOVA and fall asleep, listening to something that takes me out of my mind, so I can stop thinking about what happened to hers.

Porcelain Mind

Check out these guys film about caring for loved ones with Alzheimer's on
Kickstarter

They are making a film and need our support.  I truly believe that the grandkids are the key to a cure.  They are able to tell our story, because we are too busy and caught up in the caregiving to be able to.  Every dollar shows we care.  Good luck guys!