Saturday, June 13, 2015

What's left.

I'm kinda beyond describing in words what's been happening these past few months.  I don't have anything inspirational or hopeful to say, it's just what it is.  I usually can't communicate with Peggy and now I don't even know if she can see.  Hospice has been involved for a few months now, they check in on her once a week and with me about once a month.  I've met with a social worker and a spiritual advisor who are nice to talk to in her room, so it's not just me holding her hand and looking at my phone.  It's grim, it's grueling and I also feel that everyone has a cross to bear in this life, and this is ours.  So I stopped sharing so much, I don't want to ruin anyone's day, or look for sympathy.  Honestly, I want it to end.

Usually (hopefully) Peggy is sleeping, except for just after lunch or dinner when we need to keep her upright and awake for a little bit so she doesn't choke on her food.  This day, she was especially communicative.  I filmed this a few weeks ago, and have been going back and forth about posting it.  I'm not trying to gain sympathy or accolades for being a good daughter.  Many people say that to me, and I appreciate it and it makes me feel good, but please, this video is not about me.  This video is about not knowing what to do during the (never) ending stages of ALZ.  Again, by posting our story I hope and believe that the cry for help will be heard louder so that more funding, research and eventually a cure will happen. But also, to gain insight into ALL stages of the disease, and really talk about caring, as well as curing people with Alzheimer's.

This is an insane in the membrain movie and I have trepidations about posting it.  It's not fun to watch, and you don't have to watch it, but I'll tell you it's got quite a bit of mystery, love, emotion, shock, fear, and utter madness in it.  It's nearing the end (maybe) of our journey on this road called Alzheimer's and I had to document it, because I want to remember what it's been like, just the two of us in that room together.  Looking at us from the outside in, and after watching it, I realized just what kind of movie this is, it's a buddy movie.